| gosh.. i feel so fake.
i'm trying my best to try to be happy and thankful for everything in my life.
but it just feels like everyday just gets harder and harder.
and it feels like it matters just that much less.
when i write here, i attempt to gather my thoughts.
sometimes i can do it, and sometimes i can't.
it's just so overwhelming sometimes.
it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders.
i wish there was some way i could save you.
you're trapped in your own maze
baffled by your own thoughts.
and pressured by life's obligations.
why do things have to be the way they are?
why did it all fall apart?
are there some things in life that really are impossible?
and if so, why must we feel so much pain for something that we cannot change?
i wonder what they're thinking right now.
i wonder if they even care.
it seems as if it never really mattered.
it was so easy to leave it all behind.
and after everything was said and done
i still sit here and think
why did it all happen like that?
well, maybe it's what we deserve.
maybe life is not about living pleasurably.
maybe life is about feeling all the pain you can,
before you can feel the infinite pleasure of death.
maybe death is the only way to feel peace.
maybe that's why some of us seek the pain.
maybe that's the only thing that reminds us that we're alive.
when we no longer know how to feel pleasure
and the only way to feel it is to recover from the pain.
it's amazing how confused the world is.
how ignorant we all are.
and how much we really don't care
about anything else but ourselves.
and it's amazing how tightly we hold
onto the things that hurt us the most.
and how easily we can let go
of the things that gave us true color.
and even when it hurts just to breathe your own air
because you want to cry so deeply,
you still find a way to keep going.
and you still put your best mask on.
but we may never hear from them again.
and we may never see them again.
it's all about what will be remembered.
and all that could have been.
-djq
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| hearts and thoughts they fade,
fade away.
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| can't wait for school to start
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| i'm depressed.
i can't stand being awake.
the only time i have peace of mind is when i'm asleep.
i've driven everyone that i love away from me.
i'm anti-social now.
i'm living paycheck-to-paycheck.
i don't think i can go back to college.
my parents make me pay for rent and all my utilities, including cell phone, insurance, gasoline, food, cable tv, and internet.
i don't think i can go back to school.
i just wanna die, but i don't wanna kill myself.
i don't want to let anyone down.
i know there are people that care about me
but i live in my own regret and disgust for myself
that it shows, and drives them away from me
hell,
some of the best friends i ever had now probably wish that they could see me fall as hard as possible.
hell,
my whole existence was an accident.
maybe that's why everything i'm involved with goes to shit.
it really feels like if i had not been there things would have been so much better if i think back.
i'm sure my mom didn't want to get pregnant.
and my dad didn't want a kid at the time i'm sure also.
he always wanted to be a rock and roll star anyway, and he could have done it if it weren't for my accidental birth.
i wish i was aborted.
no one knows how depressed i am.
but it should really stay that way
i don't contribute to anything anyway, so why would anyone care?
i'm on a fucking mowing crew for christ's sake.
one less mexican working on the side of the road won't affect anyone walking through the UTSW campus.
as a matter of fact, those people might not even notice that i'm not around anymore.
and i know some people can see the depression in my eyes when they pass me by.
but i know it doesn't matter to them.
they don't have time to worry about me, they're all got their own shit to deal with.
but i can't blame 'em, it's the truth.
life throws all these kinds of problems at all kinds of people, and i just can't figure out how to handle these things as well as others can.
i wish i would have never ruined everyone's life.
i wish i would have never introduced drugs to my friends.
everyone was so much better off.
especially my two buddies.
i was not mature enough to think about how some people might react differently to the introduction of recreational drugs.
i feel that i am responsible enough that i can limit myself to doing drugs occasionally, but two of my buddies have an insatiable appetite for any drug they can get their hands on... they didn't discipline themselves enough and now one's a felon and the other is addicted to downers.
and i wish i would have never ruined the friendships i had with the people i loved most.
i miss sam jackson
i miss david case
i miss tyler price
i miss daniel macias
i miss everyone i left behind on bad terms.
i miss everything the way it was before i messed it up.
and i miss who i used to be.
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| so glad to see you have
overcome them
completely silent now
with heaven's help
you've cast your demons out
and not to pull your halo down
around your neck and tug you off your cloud
but I'm more than just a little curious
how you're plannin' to go about makin' your amends
to the dead
to the dead.
recall the deeds as if they're all
someone else's
atrocious stories
now you stand reborn
before us all
so glad to see you well.
and not to pull your halo down
around your neck and tug you to the ground
but I'm more than just a little curious
how you're plannin' to go about makin' your amends
to the dead
to the dead.
with your halo slippin' down
your halo slippin'
your halo slippin' down
your halo slippin' down
your halo slippin' down
your halo's slippin' down to choke you now. |
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